10:24:13 PM
by castlet0pia
Summary: All she can feel is extreme pain and somewhere in the midst of it all is a pair of blue eyes that she wishes she would get a chance to see again. Set after 4x21 "Headhunters"
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

The air doesn't feel right to Kate. It's like it's without something that's keeping it breathable and fresh and then again, maybe that's just all in her head, and it's all her fault she hasn't been breathing properly for the last few days.

Ever since Castle has gone flaunting his latest conquest Jacinda around _Kate's_ crime scenes and _Kate's _precinct, there's been an ache slowly consuming her from inside out.

The reason for this all is hidden somewhere in the bombing case, but Kate honestly doesn't know _where _to start looking and Castle wouldn't say what's wrong.

If only there weren't so many people always interrupting their moments, and just when they were about to say something, anything, and move forward… Instead, they somehow found themselves here, in an endless pit of questions and grudges and metaphorical hatred. There's still place for a little love, though. It just kind of curled into itself after the incident with Castle.

And how about the latest conquest of Castle's: Slaughter. Admittedly, Kate was torn between leaving Castle to deal with his own mistakes, but at the same time, she loved him, so she was slowly dying inside everytime Castle turned away from her and to Slaughter and went and got himself into these dangerous situations she wasn't okay with.

She felt cheated on, yeah. But she couldn't help herself around him. She'd always take him back.

* * *

Kate bites her thumb again and hovers it above the call button for the sixth time that evening. She's not exactly sure she wants to be calling him right now, but she can't forget the expression on his face when she said, "That's what partners are for." It was regret and guilt and there was some of that old shine he used to have around her all the time.

"God, this shouldn't be so hard," Kate grits out to an empty apartment and throws the phone on her bed. "What do you do when the man you love starts avoiding you?" she asks herself, then laughs in surprise, "Look at me, now I even rhyme stupid words for a stupid, stupid man."

There's a sigh and a groan and then Kate's tugging her boots onto her feet and grabbing her leather jacket and her black helmet and she's out of her apartment.

* * *

Kate's Harley should really be called Use When You Want To Punch/Kiss Your Partner/ (Hopefully)Future Boyfriend. So that's why she's riding it right now. She doesn't know whether to go to his loft and talk it all out with him or just go there and kiss him. _Hard_.

But she's stuck between the rubble of her walls and his own rejection the last few days_, _and there are no bridges or pathways to lead her to his side, and besides, he seems to have moved on. Kate should be happy, shouldn't she?

_Of course she shouldn't be. _His way of moving on from their partnership is finding other partners and blonde bimbos and never bringing coffee anymore and she _hates _that it has lead to this, that it's probably her own fault for waiting so long and he's _moved on_.

Between her intense internal monologue, some tears start falling and soon blear her eyes and her helmet seems to tight for the sobs that want to rip themselves out of her mouth.

There's a light and a startling, loud noise. And then Kate looses footing and for a frightening second, it's all suspended before there's a crash. And then it all goes black.

**So it's been a long time since I've watched Headhunters, but I hope I got everything right. Um, I got this idea and I had to get it down. **

**Ariela**


	2. Chapter 2

Castle's phone rings for the third time that evening, but he still doesn't move from his position on the couch. His head is thrown back over the arm of the black leather sofa, so that all his blood leaks into his head, so he can feel _something_ but heartache.

If you'd have asked him a few weeks ago if he trusted Kate Beckett, he would have said _with all my heart_, but now he's not sure about anything anymore.

Her revelation to a suspect in the interrogation room hurt more than he could ever predict. Although he'd never predict Beckett lying to him about something so precious.

So that's why he has concluded with a mind-numbing thought that she just doesn't feel the same way about him. No matter what he tries, though, Kate is still in his head, in his heart and his mother was right. Love is not a switch that you can turn off.

"Oh will you answer the phone already, Richard? Really, this is bordering on ridiculous," his mother chastises him as she walks over to his phone and picks it up.

"Don't answer it, mother."

"Richard, it's only Detective Esposito."

"Still. I'm not in the mood to talk to him."

"Oh for God's sake – Hello, Detective Esposito!"

"Mother!" Castle hisses and stands up from his former position, but it makes his head spin, so the next thing he realizes are Martha's shocked words and her scared look.

"Of course. I'll tell him. Thank you," she mumbles, then hangs up and sweeps Castle into a hug. He steps away quickly, his feet stumbling backwards and sees his mother's eyes filled with tears.

"Mother? What happened? What did Esposito say to you?" Martha whimpers and brings a hand to her mouth, and then she shatters his world with a single sentence.

"Kate had an accident."

* * *

Everything around him is a blur, as Castle jumps into his car and races to the hospital.

He doesn't care about the lie anymore, and the hurt. He just wants to know Kate is _well _and _alive_, because _God help him_, but he _loves _her.

He knows that once she'll be better, he'll have to leave her again, to stay away and heal, but he honestly doesn't want to sit home and wait for someone to call and tell him that Kate _has died._ He's had enough of near-death experiences with her to know that she's fragile enough to be mortal, and so damn breakable, despite her strength.

Castle almost crushes the car parked next to him as he drives his car into the parking spot, and then proceeds to rush into the ER and search for someone who knows how Kate is doing.

He damn nearly shouts at the nurse who doesn't want to tell him where Kate is, but then he hears Esposito, and his eyes fill with tears at the sight on the detective's face.

"Kate – Where's Kate?" Castle croaks out between his teeth tightly pressed together. Esposito points toward the white door, and as Castle is about to run through them, Jim pulls him back and it sobers the writer up.

"Jim… I'm – I'm so sorry."

"Why are you apologizing to me? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I – did. I wasn't there. God, I wasn't there," comes out of his mouth uncontrollably weak, and he falls to the ground. He realizes that he must look ridiculous, and he wasn't even that bad the last time Kate was in the hospital, fighting for her life, but this time it seems worse, because he wasn't even there to _try_ to save her, let alone tell her he loves her again.

He wishes he had done it differently; his reaction after he found out about her lie and the way he pulled away. But he hurt and he had to lick his wounds in the privacy of his own home, but now _she's _hurt and _that_ hurts more than her lie, somehow. As if her body and his body were connected in a way.

He believes they are.

* * *

As Kate first awakens after the surgery, she doesn't remember what happened at all. All she can think about is a certain pair of blue eyes and how much she wants them to be the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes. But all that awaits her are dull colors of the hospital, white and a soft shade of pink that makes her feel like a child.

Her head hurts, and her ribs hurt and her legs hurt; everything hurts, but she wills herself not to succumb to the pain, to stay strong, stand up and leave like nothing happened.

Instead, she probably looks like a wallowing seal, flapping from right to left and back again.

Before she can throw herself completely off the bed, her father storms into the room and pins her down by her shoulders. She struggles against his hold and cries out, _Please Dad, please_, but then someone pokes the morphine button and she's okay again and it doesn't hurt anymore. She fades into blackness with tears streaked over her face and her hair sticking to her face.

**Thank you for reading. I'm terribly sorry for being so late, but school had me occupied until today, so now that I'm free and summer's almost here, there'll be a lot more writing time for me. (:**

**Ariela**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello, world. I've been absent, I know. But here you go. There'll be one or two more chapters before this story ends. **

**Enjoy.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 3**

He slips into her room at 3AM, thinking that it's best she doesn't even know he's been here.

His shoes echo in the small hospital room, and the only thing illuminating the darkness is the heart monitor that beeps a steady rise and fall of the green line.

Castle inhales deeply and almost gags with the smell of hospital. He doesn't like it, never has actually, but ever since Kate got shot, hospitals mean defeat and grief and pain and loss to him.

The figure lying on the bed moves a tiny bit, but it's enough for Castle to startle and let out a loud gasp. He holds his breath for ten seconds, until he's convinced Kate's still deeply under and likely not going to wake up and see him standing there like a fool.

When he starts breathing again, he moves silently to the edge of her hospital bed.

He knows that Kate is going to be just fine, but he really wonders how many lives she has left before she runs out of luck. It makes him tear up, just knowing the fact that she's not immortal, that someday her life is going to end, no matter what. And he thinks she won't get any more luck in these frustratingly frequent life-threatening situations, so it basically sucks for him, that she doesn't love him back. That she could never care about him nearly as much as he does about her. That she doesn't know how he thinks she's amazing, but hates her a little because she lied about the most important thing to him.

Someday she'll run out of luck and actually _die _and he'll be left with an emptiness inside him, a great deal of it just from knowing that she has never loved him.

Castle sits down in the worn hospital chair, uncomfortably rearranging himself until he's able to take Kate's hand in his and rest his head on their linked fingers.

His mouth presses against the skin between Kate's thumb and pointer finger, his lips caressing the warmth of the woman that he loves.

"Kate… I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'm sorry, Kate," he gets out before he's silently crying into the bed sheet beside Kate's shoulder.

He doesn't even remember when he falls asleep, just knows that the darkness swallows him without his consent.

* * *

It's still early when Kate wakes up. She can tell by the languid sunrays that stream into the room through the window.

She remembers what happened, though it takes her a little time. And then, just as she's about to cry about her unfortunate life, she hears a snore somewhere next to her chest.

As her eyes struggle to stay open, she recognizes the figure laying over her arm. It's Castle; well, Castle's head, but it's him, and she can't believe it.

Her heart stutters a bit in surprise and joy, but then she sees his tired face and she instantly feels bad again.

She doesn't know why he would come visit her, when he's been so distant for so long.

Kate moves her arm slowly from beneath Castle's head, and her fingers slowly touch his shoulder. She sighs at the feeling of the man she loves, the man that has brought love and joy into her life and a sense of living once again.

Her shaking fingers slowly skate over the muscle to Castle's spine, then skim upwards to the nape of his neck and nails catch in short hair as she tears up. She has missed him and being able to touch him like this means more to her than he'll ever know.

She lets out a soft whimper and it gets stuck in the air when the man by her side stirs and mumbles her name in his sleep.

Before Kate can act on it, Castle lifts up his head just a little bit and looks confused at first, then his eyes meet hers and they're filled with compassion and love instantly.

"Hey, Castle," Kate whispers with a smile, then squeezes his neck lightly. He looks like he's about to kiss her for a moment, but then his eyes cloud over and he moves back to stretch his back as Kate's fingers fall away slowly.

"Are you…" he starts to say, but he never finishes. He looks away from her instead and scrubs a hand down his face. "I should probably go home," he mutters and Kate feels her chest seize.

"Don't," she barely gets out. He stops his path to the door and looks back at her.

"Kate, I can't – I can't stay. I'm sorry."

"Why?" she asks with her eyes full of tears and her mouth chapped together, almost as if something doesn't want her to say a word, but she's determined to fight it, because she needs to know everything.

"What?"

"Why can't you stay? Why did you come, when you've been pulling away for the past couple of weeks? Why _are_ you pulling away?" Castle looks distraught for a moment, then his face blackens with anger as he grits his teeth together.

"That's too many questions, Kate. I suppose I should just lie to you, huh?"

"What are you talking about?" she asks, exasperated, and he frowns.

"You know what. Are we liars now, Kate? Is that what we've come to?"

"Castle-"

"Forget about it. You should rest. I won't bother you anymore. Get well soon," he tells her, and when he says _anymore, _it feels more like _never _to Kate. She thinks that's what he really means, too.

Before he can exit the room, she lets out a loud sob and cries out in pain all at once. Her chest sizzles with pain and she can't quite take a proper breath. Her fingers fist in the sheets and her eyelids press together tightly, the pressure in her head increasing until she feels a soft hand beneath her head and the tingly sparks of something non-painful drawing through her blood.

_Shhh, shhh_, she hears, but she thinks she's just imagining it until her eyes open to Rick Castle's stormy-blue eyes opened above her face and his fingertips travelling across her cheek.

"You'll be okay," he murmurs into her forehead and although she wants to cry, the pleasure from what she guesses is morphine takes over her head and instead of crying, she says the only thing she's spent so long obsessing over.

"Castle… I love you."

And then her eyes slip closed.

* * *

**I know some of you may find this way of dealing with this story too cheesy or think that Castle should be angrier or something, but think about it, will ya? He's in love with her. Of course he's going to make sure she's fine.**

**Otherwise, thank you for reading.**

**Ariela**


	4. Chapter 4

**All please clap for this rare occurence: posting two chapters in two days. **

**I guess you folks just got lucky. **

**(This quick update is also the reason why the chapter is a bit short... at least for my standards. Another one will be coming up soon.)**

**CHAPTER 4**

_She doesn't love me, _Rick says to himself for the hundredth time since Kate's eyes slipped closed and her mouth erupted with the words he's been dying to hear from her _forever_.

He was taken aback first; his face contorted in something that was a mix of hope and anger and love and hatred, but then he just kind of wailed there, by Kate's side, with his hand curled into one of hers and his forehead against the side of her shoulder.

He didn't know how to react after hearing those words, and he still doesn't know how to feel about them now. His entire body is a mess of confusing feelings that he can't name, and his heart is all flustered, but the rust that has accommodated there from the couple of weeks in which he's been pushing his life-pump somewhere deep inside of him, caught between the thistle of his ribs, that rust is now quickly peeling off. There may not be a complete and shiny layer under it, it may be cracked many times and it can have bumps and scratches, but it is there, and the words that she uttered half-drugged by morphine have started to slowly polish the surface of the love he's kept hidden for too long.

Castle tries to shake himself out of his jumbled excuse of a mind and instead focus on how he is going to confront her about everything. About her lie and about what she said to him before. He knows how relaxed and giddy and craving the hospital drugs make you from personal experience, when he was 15 and had to have his appendix taken out. So he knows Kate couldn't have really lied to him when she said it, but he still can't believe it, can't trust that it's not only an attempt to keep him by her side, so she wouldn't feel lonely.

But on the other side, he starts to see all the little clues that she has kept leaving for him throughout the past year.

The smiles. He can't remember a time in the last few months where she hasn't at least smiled at one of his jokes. She always has.

The looks. Those loving ones, when it almost seemed like she was saying "God, you're so adorable," and also those lustful ones. He'd catch those mostly when she thought he wasn't looking. Once Castle stood in the break room in front of the mirror, silently berating himself for not having enough time to shave in the morning, and when his hand was scrubbing over his stubble disapprovingly, Kate came into the room. Their eyes met in the mirror. She licked her lips and her gaze dropped to his mouth instantly. Then she fled back to the bullpen. She didn't dare look at him for the next three hours.

After the looks and the smiles came the touches. He can't help but notice how much more she has started to touch him, not just this year, but ever since he has wormed his way into her life – the amount of touches has always been increasing, throughout these 4 years, but they've been more than just friendly touches since Kate's shooting. They've exponentially became a warm link between the two partners, a promise and a wish all at once.

And Castle wants so much to fulfill that wish and keep that promise. He just hopes she wants the same.

* * *

The thing that wakes her is the soft typing of someone on a keyboard. Her eyelids slip open carefully, her lips struggling to separate. The typing stops and the person comes to stand at the foot of her bed.

_It's Castle_, she hears her helpful mind tell her. _God, he's still here._

The man in question is suddenly lifting her chin a bit higher and his thumb is separating the rosy line above it, and then there's something cold drifting along the flesh of her bottom lip.

All Kate can do is let out a hoarse noise that sounds nothing like Detective Kate Beckett. It's just Kate. Vulnerable and needy and wanting Castle's closeness and his comforting fingers.

"Hold it in your mouth, it'll melt," Rick tells her as he puts what she guesses is an ice chip into her mouth, but his voice is without any emotion at all. He just looks and sounds empty.

They're quiet for a while.

Kate stares at her fumbling fingers, and she's pretty sure Castle isn't staring at her.

And that's not how it's supposed to be at all.

He breaks the silence first. "We need to talk," he demands of her, and she can't help but nod. She wants to talk to him and ask him why he thinks of her as a liar and she wants to ask him why he stayed. It's bothering her too much too keep it bottled inside her for another three months.

"Do you remember what happened before? After I… After I walked out of the room?"

"I just remember the pain," Kate croaks out and finds that her throat feels dry as a desert. She's about to ask him for another ice chip, when she sees him already stretching to the nightstand beside the bed and then his fingers pressing the ice against Kate's lips. It feels wonderful to know he can still read her as well as he used to.

"So you don't remember what you said, then?" he cautiously asks. She feels her stomach twist in a jumbo knot.

"No. What did I say?" He doesn't speak for a moment, seemingly contemplating if he should tell her or not, but then he sighs and she knows she'll find out.

"You told me something I've been dying to hear. But I don't think it's true. You know why, Kate? Because you _lied _to me."

"Castle, I – I don't know what you're talking about." And she really doesn't know. Not until he shatters her hopes of ever getting him back again with his next words, "You remember I told you I loved you at the funeral."

**Shit. You're in trouble Kate Beckett.**

**This is just a friendly reminder that things will only go worse from here, and that you should probably mentally prepare yourself for a lot of angst.**

**Cheerio! **

**Ariela**

**(p.s. I know that was reallyyyyy mean, muahaha)**


	5. Chapter 5

**AM I HORRIBLE OR AM I HORRIBLE?**

**Is it fine if my excuse is that I was just too lazy? **

* * *

Kate's first reaction is to throw up. But she doesn't. Instead she swallows the filth in her throat and chokes on a "What?".

"I just want to know why."

"Castle –"

"I've always thought you weren't a liar, Beckett." The Beckett stings just a little bit, strucks her heart directly into the center.

"I'm not. I'm not a liar, Castle, I _do _have an explanation."

"Then _tell _me. Do you even realize how freaking broken you've made me? I have been slowly dying from waiting, Kate. Do you think I'm crazy? Because I think I am. Nobody would wait that long for anyone, it's madness."

"Then why have you?" Kate asks him, longing to hear him say those words again. So she can say them back.

"I am not going to say it again, just to hear you deny it. I'm sick of you pushing me away."

"I can't promise I won't push you away ever again, Castle. But isn't that what you've been doing for the past few weeks?" Castle's face nears hers suddenly and he's towering over her and it's intimidating as hell, because he looks so mad that it's killing her. "What I've been doing for the past few weeks was learning how to flip the switch off. And don't you dare turn the blame on me. I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me, yes. I admit that. But I loved you, Kate. And you have never loved me."

Kate doesn't know which fact to concentrate on: that he said 'loved', not 'love', or that he obviously thinks that she doesn't love him, that she never has.

She takes the first one, because she's selfish and not ready to say it herself yet.

"Past tense?" Kate chokes out. Rick's face falls as he heaves a sigh and closes his eyes.

"I don't know," is the only thing he mumbles and then he turns away. Kate gets scared that he's walking away from her once more, panics and almost rips the IV out of her hand when she extends it to grab one of Castle's.

"Don't – don't leave. Please."

He turns around and she sees tears streaming down the planes of his cheekbones.

Her heart breaks into pieces.

* * *

He can't stop them from falling. These tears are something he's been needing to show her, to show her how much she's hurt him, how much of his soul she's taken away from him.

And now he doesn't know if he's a coward or a brave, brave, brave man to be standing up to her like this.

"Oh God, Rick…" Kate murmurs, with an edge to her voice that makes him wary of her own state. Her eyes are full of liquid pain, her fingernails clenched tight into his palm. She looks devastated.

"Don't do that, Kate," Castle warns the woman in bed and retracts his hand. She catches it again.

"Do what?"

"Be compassionate and act like you give a damn about me. I don't want to go back there." The tears spill over her cheeks and she breathes out, "But I do, Rick. I do give a damn. I care about you more than you think."

"Well it doesn't seem like it. And what does it matter anyway? I'll always be only your friend, and I don't _want _to be just that."

"Then don't. Let's not be just friends, then," Kate exhales quickly, covers her mouth with her non-occupied hand.

Rick's mouth falls open and his eyes almost pop out of his head.

She couldn't have just said that, right?

He imagined that, _right_?

"Excuse me?"

* * *

Ohhhh no.

Oh no, Kate.

Bad, bad, bad. Shouldn't have said that…

"I mean… I mean, I don't want this partnership to end. And we have never been just friends, right?" She feels herself blush and sees on Rick's face that he knows it.

"Kate, don't…"

"Unless you… Unless you don't want to. Which I understand, because – because I know I have hurt you. More times than I can count, but that is who I am. And I swear I _am _trying to change. For you."

"Kate, stop. I'm not your puppet. Not anymore. I won't come running back to you when you promise me something more. I'm still hurt and I'm still angry and you're still in the freaking hospital bed."

"I don't want to stop us from being something incredible, Rick. And I know we could be."

Kate chews her lip and waits for Castle to think it over in his head.

* * *

Is he dreaming?

No, seriously, is this real? Because Kate is saying all these things that he's wished she would say for forever, but he honestly isn't sure if he's awake or asleep.

It feels like he's dreaming, but the pressure of Kate's fingertips against his hand is very much real, and her ragged breathing gives away the fact that this is 100% reality.

But he can't.

He can't dive into this now. Because she makes him confused and aching and sad and happy and desperate and she drives him absolutely crazy, but he is getting old and his heart is getting weaker and he wants something that lasts.

He wants it with her, yes.

But not like this.

Not without her explanation of what happened last summer and not just her words of hope and her offer of something more.

He wants everything with her, but he wants to hear her story first.

"I'm sorry, Kate. But I can't." He feels sick when he sees Kate's eyes cloud over and her mouth fall down from a hopeful and timid smile into a devastated frown. Rick feels the need to explain. "I mean, not – not right now. Someday. But right now, I just need some time and space." Kate looks at him warily, like she doesn't believe it.

"How much time do you need?"

"I don't know. And I don't want to stop being with you, or working with you or anything. But for right now, I just want to be friends," he tells her, then squeezes her hand and interlocks their fingers together.

"You're kind of sending me mixed signals at the moment, Castle," she says, then looks down at their linked hands. But Castle doesn't let go.

"We are going to do this slow, okay? We are going to continue to do what we've been doing, but we're going to be better at it, and this is the start."

"Are you saying that you want to do this then?"

"No. _We _want to do this. Partners, right? But I have one rule." Kate looks confused for a moment, but then nods her head. "Every once in a while, I am going to ask you a question. And you are going to answer it. Honestly. Without lies and without trying to get out of it. You don't. You can't. You have to answer me, otherwise this is over. I only want you to be honest and open with me. That's all."

* * *

Kate is not exactly sure if he's kidding or being serious, because she's never seen him like this before. So… eager to have this.

But then again, so is she, right?

"Okay," she answers, and lets a small smile paint across her features. Castle's face immediately slackens and his eyes soften.

"Okay," he repeats, "I'll see you tomorrow, then." He leans across Kate's torso and lightly kisses her forehead. Her heartbeat speeds up.

Castle looks at her, strokes his thumb once over her cheek, then walks out of the room, leaving his partner flailing over a lot of things.

But first…

_Morphine._

* * *

**SO, this story is not quite over yet. Just this part.**

**THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL, stay tuned, because I have plans for these two and I think you'll like it. **

**Okay.**

**I am so tired, I'm gonna go to sleep, kay, but before I do that neccessary life thing, just this: asflnasioghaiosdghlasdjgčajčl, THE FREAKING SPOILERS FOR VALKYRIE, WTF!?**

**Andrew Marlowe, you've done it again, man. **

**Ariela**


End file.
